What do we call that beginning stage of a relationship? The honeymoon stage, right? It’s that romantic stage where we see the other person as perfect! Even little things that usually bug us we think are so cute. And the other person sees us also as perfect. Now, this concept also applies at work. We start a new job and everything is perfect. We love the people and we want it to work out, and everything is great…in the beginning.
What do we know to be true about the honeymoon stage? If you said “it doesn’t last long” you are in line with the majority of people out there.
But, why doesn’t it last long? What gets in the way of us experiencing this honeymoon stage every day at work, even after 15 years? What is it that has 9% of senior executives admit to being fully DISENGAGED at their jobs? What is it that has 45% of American workers admitting to HATING their jobs?
Not to mention how this shows up in our personal lives. The current divorce rate is over 50% in 1st marriages, and don’t get me started on 2nd and 3rd ones! Did any of these marriages start out with the couple stating that “well I think I’ll stay married for 4.5 years and then get a divorce”? I don’t think so.
Why? What happens that has the honeymoon stage end so quickly?
Well, in all the years of studying human beings and our behaviors, and after taking a close look at my own life, I think I know that answer to that question…
We are not very good at handling our own upsets!
Being with other human beings in a way that works can be one of the most daunting tasks. The reason is that we so often get upset. Something the other person or people say or do “triggers” us inside and we get upset, disappointed, angry, hurt, you name it! This threatens our relationship, our job, our income, our happiness, and we get scared! But it’s not really the other person’s actions that trigger us…it’s what we take their actions to mean that gets us upset. For example; my husband didn’t make me coffee and I take it mean he doesn’t love me. The board of directors didn’t go with my idea, and so I take it to mean I am not valued. None of this is true necessarily. But it feels true to us when we are upset.
The problem then lies in what we do with that upset. Everyone has their favorite way of handling it. Some people shut down and withhold, others lash out and get angry, others pretend it never happened, and some people quietly seek revenge. All of these behaviors are our own survival mechanisms and we think it’s going to handle our upset. It doesn’t.
We are human beings, it is inevitable that we are going to get upset in life, but we can each minimize the impact of our upsets and keep the honeymoon stage alive if we were each willing to do one simple thing….talk to the person that has us being so upset. We can do this in an ineffective way such as blaming, crying, venting, or beating around the bush. I wouldn’t recommend any of these strategies! But simply talking to the person about how we feel, and finding out if their behavior meant what we thought it meant by asking them. The sooner we can do this, the better. Storing up our upsets is never a good thing. This can lead to illness, resentment, depression, and has us using our entire productive energy holding on to our upsets.
So if there is anyone in your life right now that you may be holding on to some upset about, go and talk to them. Be direct in your communication and do it for the purpose of you letting it go, not trying to get them to change. Use some compassion, knowing that most of the time people have no clue that their words and actions had an impact on us. We are just all out there trying to do the best that we can. You may be amazed how good you feel afterward!
