Why is accountability such an issue for us in life? Why is so hard to hold people accountable and to be held accountable? Do you ever feel that you are not very successful at handling it when people break their word to you?
First let’s look at what happens when others break their word. Often times we get very upset when others don’t follow through like they said they would, and the reason for this is what we interpret their actions to mean. We often make the assumption that their actions meant something about us. We take it personally. For example, my husband was late for dinner and I interpret that to say he doesn’t care about us. Or my boss didn’t acknowledge the great job I did on a project and I interpret that to say he doesn’t appreciate me. It’s never what happened that has us upset, it’s what we make it mean. The same is true with people breaking their word to us. We assume they meant to hurt us, or don’t care, or that we are not important to them. This misinterpretation causes us to behave in inappropriate ways when it comes to holding others accountable. We lash out at them, or get angry, or punish them. We ignore it, avoid it or make it OK. Or we blame, cry or nag and want them to see how much we are hurt. All of these responses are normal but just aren’t very productive in terms of handling the situation. And they certainly don’t have us feeling very good about ourselves.
So in looking at how to handle it effectively the first thing to realize is that our upset is not about that person, it’s about us. The reasons why we feel upset have to do with events that occurred in our lives way before this person ever came along. Once we realize this, then we can approach that person in a more caring way. And we have to willing to address the person when they break their word. If we don’t address it, such as making light of it, or ignoring it really sends out a message to them that they can keep doing it. And we make ourselves into a doormat. This is one of the worst things we can do. Effective accountability sends out a message that the other person is important, and that I am important.
What’s the first thing to do when someone breaks their word? Find out what happened. Ask them what had them break their word. What was going on for them? Did they realize they broke their word? And then let them know the impact that it had on you that they didn’t follow through on time. How do you feel about it? It’s important to let them know. Then you can recreate an agreement with them. Now, if someone breaks their word over and over, and continues to just say they are sorry, what does that tell you about their word? That it doesn’t mean very much! Continuing to make agreements with people who do this is irresponsible. And it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.
Care enough about the people in your life to hold them accountable, in a loving way. If you do this you will teach the people in your life how to treat you. And you’ll show them how to be more responsible. Stay tuned for the next article about how to hold ourselves accountable.
